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2009
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May
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Room Change
05/05/09
After a heavy night of drinking at the bar, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite.
Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his -
Give Me A Coke
05/05/09
After a beer convention, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from -
What A Coincidence
05/05/09
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man res
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Room Change
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May
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2008
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July
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Wife Control
07/16/08
There were three guys talking in a bar. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
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Wife Control
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June
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Three vampires
06/26/08
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "
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Three vampires
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May
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Scotch Expert
05/23/08
A man traveling on business, walks into a local bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of 25 year old scotch.
The bartender looking to have a little fun, and make a few extra dollars, pours the guy a shot of bar brand scotch.
The businessman taking his first sip, re -
Message For The Manager
05/11/08
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
" -
Big John
05/04/08
A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills! He's the meanest
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Scotch Expert
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April
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Embarrassing
04/24/08
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I -
First Aid
04/19/08
A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stair -
Too Much To Drink
04/04/08
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served ad
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Embarrassing
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March
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One Last Bet
03/20/08
A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink.
He orders a b -
Got Any Grapes
03/12/08
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"
The duck said, "Have got any grapes?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell grapes."
The duck walked -
Worst day of my life
03/06/08
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I -
Staten Island Ferry
03/03/08
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he g -
Short Guy
03/01/08
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his
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One Last Bet
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February
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Drinks For Everyone
02/27/08
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy -
Lost Watch
02/25/08
Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.
"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the paveme -
Things that are impossible say when you're drunk
02/24/08
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
e) I'm not interested in fighting you.
f) Oh, I just -
Sign Language
02/23/08
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were re -
Don't Touch Me
02/22/08
The bartender was washing his glasses and an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" -
Benny
02/21/08
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 that the next person to walk in the bar won't know him.
Somebody walks in the bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the buddy then bets Benny $100 he won't know the -
You Look Just Like Me
02/19/08
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.
< -
Pet Monkey
02/18/08
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it -
Another Bar Bet
02/16/08
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out th -
Looking Good
02/15/08
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the -
Chick With Long Legs
02/14/08
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pou -
Three Pints
02/13/08
An Irishman walks into a pub, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste bette -
Beer Logic
02/13/08
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get -
Fast Drinker
02/12/08
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then -
Dancing Duck
02/11/08
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $10, -
Alcohol Warnings
02/10/08
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you -
I'll Do Anything
02/08/08
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an
exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Befo -
Who Owns The Doberman
02/04/08
A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on -
Bar Bet
02/01/08
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
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Drinks For Everyone
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January
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Bar Bill
01/31/08
A man walks into a bar and has a few beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $12.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you paid."
The man then goe -
Good Samaritan
01/29/08
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least t -
Liver and Cheese
01/29/08
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies -
Wrong Person
01/27/08
A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.
He immediately apologises and explaines, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." -
Losing Family
01/27/08
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $50,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $100 -
Number 12
01/27/08
A number 12 walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
"Sorry I can't serve you," says the barman.
"Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
"You're under 21," replies the barman. -
Singing Frog
01/27/08
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretch
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Bar Bill
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July
Bar Jokes Humor and Satire
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