A man walks into a bar and has a few beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $12.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you paid."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the third patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

A drunk walks into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her and kisses her. She jumps up and slaps him hard.

He immediately apologises and explaines, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screames.

"Funny," he mutteres, "you sound exactly like her also."

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $50,000. Then in September my father died, leaving me $100,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $25,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"