A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink.

He orders a beer and says,
"Man! That guy down there sure does complain a lot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"

The bartender looks at him and says,
"Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies,
"I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!"

The bartender looks at him and says,
"OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says,
"I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."

The guy then says,
"I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies,
"I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"

The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye.

With this, the bartender says,
"Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies,
"I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says,
"There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.

With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims,
"Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!"

Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says,
"What happened to him?"

The guy replies,
"Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"

The duck said, "Have got any grapes?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell grapes."

The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender said, "No this is a bar we don't sell grapes!" So the duck walked out again and left.

He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender said, "No!! And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "Got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any grapes?"

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"