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The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080626-000849 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:08:49 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=06&entry=entry080626-000849 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080523-203656
The bartender looking to have a little fun, and make a few extra dollars, pours the guy a shot of bar brand scotch.

The businessman taking his first sip, realizes this is not what he ordered, calls over the bartender. "Excuse me, do you remember what I ordered".

"Why certainly sir", says the bartender, "You wanted a shot of 25 year old scotch".

"That is correct", replies the customer. "The scotch you served, can't be more than 2 years old".

The bartender apologies, and goes off to correct his mistake. A little upset for being caught, the bartender again tries to fool his customer, by pouring him a shot of 12 year old scotch.

After his first taste of the scotch, he immediately again knew, this was not the beverage of his choice.

So once again, he calls over the bartender, to verify his drink order. "Bartender, can you tell me again what I ordered".

"Yes sir, you ordered a shot of my 25 year old scotch".

"Again that is correct". But unfortunately, the scotch you served is not more than 12 years old".

At this point he bartender is impressed, and realizes the guy is a true connoisseur of scotch whiskey, and goes off to get his 25 year old scotch.

With savoring only a few drops, the man knew he finally got what he ordered, and comments to the bartender, "Now this is, 25 year old scotch".

The local drunk who witnessed everything, turns to the businessman and says, "Hey buddy, try this drink.

The traveler not wanting any trouble, takes the glass from the drunk, and gives a taste. Immediately, the guy spits it out, and screams, "My god, this is urine".

"Thats right", says the drunk, "But How Old am I?"]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080523-203656 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sat, 24 May 2008 01:36:56 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080523-203656 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080511-183220
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

Actually, no". the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't, breathes the bartender. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080511-183220 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sun, 11 May 2008 23:32:20 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080511-183220 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080504-214735
A few weeks pass uneventfully. One afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town! Run for your lives!"

When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town. As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.

He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer now!"

He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, nearly splitting it in half. The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.

As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out.

"Dang it, I don't have time!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town. Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin?"]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080504-214735 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Mon, 05 May 2008 02:47:35 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=05&entry=entry080504-214735 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-202329
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080424-202329 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:23:29 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080424-202329 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080419-203703
When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080419-203703 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sun, 20 Apr 2008 01:37:03 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080419-203703 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080404-194910
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080404-194910 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Sat, 05 Apr 2008 00:49:10 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=04&entry=entry080404-194910 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080320-013333
He orders a beer and says,
"Man! That guy down there sure does complain a lot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"

The bartender looks at him and says,
"Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies,
"I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!"

The bartender looks at him and says,
"OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says,
"I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."

The guy then says,
"I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies,
"I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!"

The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye.

With this, the bartender says,
"Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see, I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies,
"I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says,
"There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle.

With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims,
"Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!"

Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says,
"What happened to him?"

The guy replies,
"Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could pee all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080320-013333 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Thu, 20 Mar 2008 06:33:33 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080320-013333 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080312-234729
The duck said, "Have got any grapes?"

The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell grapes."

The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!

The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender said, "No this is a bar we don't sell grapes!" So the duck walked out again and left.

He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender said, "No!! And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.

The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "Got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"

The duck said "Good, then you got any grapes?"]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080312-234729 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Thu, 13 Mar 2008 04:47:29 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080312-234729 http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080306-205536
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."]]> http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/index.php?entry=entry080306-205536 Resources For Attorneys bj@resourcesforattorneys.com Fri, 07 Mar 2008 02:55:36 GMT http://barjokes.resourcesforattorneys.com/comments.php?y=08&m=03&entry=entry080306-205536